Hiya! How is everyone? It seems like forever since I've posted last, even if it really was yesterday. Okay, enough sense making. Shall we start then? Little Red Ridding Hood. That story said a lot to me. For example, I'm now afraid of woods, people with red capes, wolves, people with sharp teeth, and shower caps. Not to mention strangers. Hairy strangers. Viscous hairy strangers with sharp teeth and yellow eyes that live in woods and tell you how beautiful your features are then eat you. Woah..I think I just described Edward Cullen....well...I'm not sure about the hairy part..but still...haha anyways, Little Red Riding Hood. Let me just dissect this a little so that you can see the physiological damage behind this twisted tale. There was a girl, and she had to bring her grandmother food, because her grandmother was sick. No, no, no. Granny couldn't call Red's parents. That would ruin the plot line. Also, Granny lives in the middle of a woods full of wolves. Locks are overrated, so G-ma doesn't lock her door. The really unsettling part about the wolves is that either the wolves talked, which is totally unnatural, or before leaving her house, Red smoked a shit load of opium before leaving because if she had to walk through a fricking woods to give her grandma lunch, then screw this! Why not be under the influence?? Sure made the walk more fun..And while your in the middle of a forest with wolves and other animals in it, why not stick out like a sore thumb and wear a red jacket in the middle of the greenery. REALLY?? Dumb-shit. Read up on forest safety. Smokey the Bear could have rapped you, and you wouldn't give a damn. As long as you still have your red riding hood. Anyways, when she got to Grammy's house, the wolf was there. I'm pretty sure I missed something...but oh well..haha. Well, the wolf ate Grandma because she was being a lazy lady and tried to get her granddaughter killed. It's called karma. Then Red was giving the wolf compliments, because a wolf dressed in elderly woman's attire looks so un-obvious. Idiot. Then something else happened. And I think they all died or something. Now, this is how it would have gone down in the 21st century. Little Red was on the internet. Her grandma wrote on Red's Facebook (I do not own Facebook or have anything to do with it. I am just a member.) wall and said "Hey. Texted you parents and they are out dancing on tables at the local bar. Can you come over to my house and bring me food because I don't wanna get up. I'm too comfy." And Red commented "Fine." Then, Red walked to her grandma's house with a Starbucks (I have nothing to do with Starbucks, except for being a consumer of their delightful coffee drinks :3) Chai Latte and a homemade sammich. Oh, I forgot the best part. Red was holding a huge sign that said in bold colors: "Pick me up. I don't have any parents with me, and I dropped my cellphone in the toilet, so It's not of any use. Oh, and I'm losing my voice, so I can't really scream for help. And I do not carry a rape whistle on my person. That's all. Have a nice day. :)". Yes. I know. That's a lot to fit on a sign, but we are besides that. Did I mention that Red was walking through a busy city?? Full of viscous hairy strangers with sharp teeth and yellow eyes that live in woods and tell you how beautiful your features are then eat you.. but those people decided to go to the city to pick up children and they happened to be cannibals. Oh, and they liked puppies, candy, butterflies, and unicorns <:O). Then someone followed Red to her Grandmother's house and ate Red's grandma...Then they all died..because of Red's poor planing....But did I mention that she had a pipe bomb in her pocket at the time??? Yeah. She did. So she blew up the house before the stalker could eat her sammiches. That's all. The end.
Hmm.. Due to my poor timing, I have no more time to finish this blog and write something meaningful. The main moral of this story is to stay away from strangers and never go somewhere alone with a stranger, or even in a big city. Carry a cell phone....ect. Oh, and also, don't trust Edward Cullen...or smoke opium before going on a walk in the woods.
I love you all!!!
xoxo Jess
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